Reasons Why I Am a Shitty Blogger

You might have noticed—and you didn’t, because no one reads this blog—but I had a crisis of the blogging spirit and went AWOL for the last few weeks.  I had a pseudo-destructive impulse and took my blog offline (To be fair, if it were a truly destructive impulse, I would have completely deleted the blog).  It was the result of an ongoing case of Blogger’s Block, and of the disturbing fact that after writing and posting three shitty blog entries, I still derive absolutely no pleasure or inspiration from writing for every Googler and WordPress-er to see.  And, this fact is in turn derived from my tendency to constantly remember the reasons why I make a Really Shitty Blogger, whenever I consider writing a blog entry.  The reasons are qualities about me and particularly my writing style that affront every sacramental principle of the present-day blogosphere.  In particular,    

I write run-on sentences, and I’m unapologetic about it.  I’m truly exhilarated by wandering, convoluted thoughts that seem to lead nowhere.  Anything less than three clauses is dull and depressing, and just not worth it to me.  I don’t care if you can’t understand what I’m trying to say in my writing; I refuse to give up semicolons and unnecessary modifiers.

In the same vein,

I’m wordy.  In today’s ADD-driven and Twitter-infested reader -and writer-ship of the digital age, even 500 words is considered to be grossly superfluous and a little self-important.  But for me, 500 words are just not enough to work with.  It’s hopeless.  I’m just another one of Marvin Harris’s loathed “untrained would-be novelists and ego-tripping narcissists afflicted with congenital logo-diarrhea” (I’d add a citation but I don’t want to make this look too academic).

Blogs posts are typically chunky.  That’s just not my style.  Most people write for blogs the way I’m writing this post, only more concisely.  They split the text up into little chunks in the style of short, bulleted points.  But my thoughts, and my sentences, aren’t very chunky.  They’re more like an oozing, swirling Gestalt nightmare.  I have trouble delineating where one thought or sentence ends and another begins.  (That’s why I’ve never been great at using transition sentences, as is evident.)  Forcing myself to arbitrarily break my thoughts up into chunks of bulleted points is emotionally draining and is sucking all of the inspiration out of me, as I write.

I attribute my current writing dilemmas of all things verbose to my lifetime of training in the use of “thick description,” compulsive footnoting, and of reading incessant admonishments to “Flesh it Out–More Detail,” next to a “C” on the last page of a 20-page description of a single site visit.  Well, actually, I’m just looking for excuses.  I have always been a verbose writer.

My content is not appealing to the average reader.  Everyone says that blogs are supposed to show off your vast, specialized knowledge on some topic or life skill, like photography or cooking or hot yoga or something.  You’re supposed to write entries where you share your no-one-else-knows-this insight and give people advice on how to become more self-actualized by using a pinhole camera or cooking clams in wine sauce or stretching the bajeezus out of yourself.

But I don’t have any specialized knowledge that I could translate into useful life skills advice.  What am I supposed to do, dispense my authoritative knowledge about the intellectual history of the neo-Darwinian synthesis or the cultural materialism vs interpretivism debate?  No one wants to know about the daily, mundane misery and endless ennui of an underemployed bulimarexic recluse who does absolutely NOTHING except for sit in her room and talk to her roommate’s cats all day.  (No, you really don’t want to know.)  And, what’s worse, if I were to write what I have a natural affinity for writing—the disgustingly and candidly morose shit that I write in my journal—I would most likely be banned from WordPress altogether and removed from Google’s search index.

And finally . . .

Most people decorate their blogs with eye candy—and I don’t, and I don’t want to.  You’re supposed to add lots of pictures that you’ve ripped off the internet to your blog and also give your blog a really pretty, schnazzy design with the implicit understanding that cute blogs are taken more seriously by blog readers.  I, however, have absolutely no patience or aesthetic flare for that sort of fluff.  To me it looks obvious when someone has slapped some impersonal image on their blog that is remotely related to the topic of their post, and I feel like I have better things to do than devote my time to cheap blog decorating.  Like sit in my room and talk to my roommate’s cats. . .

Image

See?  I went and ripped a random image that is marginally related to my blog post off the web so I could provide eye candy. . . Though, I can’t figure out how to center the image or how to include this text as a caption instead of as part of  the body of the post.

Mostly because I want to force myself to become comfortable writing outside of my journal, I decided to come out of hibernation and re-open, so to speak, my blog of a few shitty posts.  I figure that if no one is reading this blog except for me, then it doesn’t matter that my posts are pathetically shitty anyway.  It’s likely that I’ll periodically have more fits of blogger’s block, and the accompanying fits of destruction, and take my blog offline for a few weeks—or months, or forever—all over again . . and again, and again.

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9 thoughts on “Reasons Why I Am a Shitty Blogger

  1. …however your steadfast-ed-le jaded point of view is refreshingly real. Dont change or apologize for your writing one bit. It is nice to know that there are real people still out there filling up our brains not commerce based bots! from one jaded mind to another… bravo.

  2. Well thank you–at least there is someone who isn’t offended by my grumpy idiosyncrasies. I actually think the “profanity” in my post might have gotten it yanked from the “recently posted” page on WordPress; quite an accomplishment.

  3. As a lover of long and winding sentences, I applaud your resolution to stick with your writing style. I frequently (but not always) find myself changing commas to periods in an effort to be more readable (relatable?). Sometimes,however, nothing else will work quite as well. It’s good for readers to challenge their reading skills once in a while.

  4. Present-day writing conventions are just so effin dull and confining. I mean, I just don’t know if Proust or James Joyce or Nabokov would have fared well in the blogosphere.

  5. I ruin perfectly good sentences with poor grammar and LOVE a good run on sentence — you’re in good company 🙂

  6. I feel like if my soul had a relationship to blogging, and that relationship suddenly got a life of its own with body and blood in a rainforest somewhere…your post would be a creature that found it and was undeniably its soul mate, and they could go make happy babies that coexisted with the most endangered trees and fluorescent frogs, nourishing them with their co-mingled endangered poop specimens.
    I don’t know how to blog, I can’t bring myself to ever rip off an image due to an inherent respect of copyright and a laziness to research what copyright rules actually cover these days…but yeah. Thanks. From my bloody heart, which translates poorly to the world of blogs.
    p.s. The word blog still makes me think of something that must be a mixture of a booger and a snot log. blooog. but I am trying to shift this particular association. You are helping. Thanks.

  7. I’m just noticing all these comments now. Woo-hoo, Thanks for the feedback.

    Haha, Jennifer Stuart, too funny. I’m glad I can help you reconcile your blogging conflicts!

  8. One other bullet that I forgot to add when I fist wrote this–I post infrequently. The rule of thumb is that you’re supposed to keep people engaged and post new stuff on your blog at least twice a week. But give me a break; there’s no way I could keep this up every three days. And I don’t think people would want to read more and more of this stuff every three days.

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