I am desperate again. This time it’s because I’m hungry. Terribly, ravenously hungry. I’ve been hungry for days, there’s no end to it. I can’t do anything except agonize in the clutches of the goddamn hunger. I suppose this might be premenstrual hunger. Who knows. The gnawing makes me so bitter and forlorn that I’m not bulimic anymore and therefore can’t appease the hunger. And that’s not good; it’s been so long since I’ve really, sincerely wished I could throw up.
I’ve been walking my ass off in an attempt both to stifle the hunger and to counter the effects of it, but I just can’t keep up. This afternoon I desperately stormed out of the house in a ravenous frenzied fury, to try to escape the pain and panging and beating of the goddamn hunger against me. I got in my car and drove to the bay, shaking, too hungry and anxious and tormented to really think about or realize the movements and turns I was making while buckling my seat belt, backing out of the driveway, driving across town and stepping out onto the sand. I walked in the sun from the end of the beach over to the ferry, where I couldn’t walk any further because a fortress of rocks was piled up across the sand going out into the water, and everything past and around the fortress was roped off and there were signs posted in all directions that read, OFFICIAL PERSONNEL ONLY. NO TRESPASSING. VIOLATORS WILL BE PROSECUTED. Because I’m one of those lackluster, risk-averse people who never have the balls to cross No Trespassing signs, I turned around and plodded back disappointedly, in the sun, this time at the edge of the water so my feet could get wet and I could more easily take the blaring heat.
In spite of doing all that walking under all that sun for what amounted to about 2 hours, I didn’t feel especially exhausted when I got back to my car. And alas, I saw on the map when I was back at home that I had only walked about 5 miles total. 5 miles isn’t a whole lot for when I’m walking off a nervous breakdown of whatever kind, and especially not when I’m attempting to walk off a hunger attack. I rinsed the sand off my feet with the garden hose, took a shower and resumed wrenching in the throes of hunger and knowing nothing else for the rest of the day, and all evening.